Priorite a Gauche

The following lyrics are all taken from Priorité à Gauche shows over the years. For details on how to order the latest PaG album, ‘Unplugged’, please click here.

LE BEST OF THE GREATEST HITS (2002)
TOUR DE FORCE (2003)
UNPLUGGED (2004)

LE BEST OF THE GREATEST HITS (2002)

BONJOUR

Hello, bonjour, welcome, bienvenue.
Comment allez-vous? How do you do?
We’re Priorité à Gauche - we come from France
On rock, on roll, on rap et on danse

You’re watching us now with preconceptions
‘They look to me like typical Frenchmen’
Je n’aime pas les stéréotypes
Listen to the truth as we’re rapping to the beat

I don’t wear a string of onions when I ride my bike
We’re not always blockading, we’re not always on strike
Je n’ai pas d’accordéon je ne porte pas de béret
I wash my hair and have a bath almost every day

We’re not obsessed with garlic, frog’s legs or cheese
Not everyone in France drives a 2CV
Hear what we say we need you to know
Cos all we really wanted was to say hello…

Bonjour monsieur
Bonjour madame
Bonjour mademoiselle
Et bonjour les fans

I know what you‘re thinking - I can read your thoughts
You think that playing boules is our national sport
You think we sit in cafés smoking smelly cigarettes
You think that all our films contain a lot of sex
You think we’re impatient, arrogant and rude
That’s just the way we are – mind your own business…

Non la xénophobie, finit l’ignorance
Open your minds embrace the whole of France
Quelle est la différence entre vous et nous?
Do you really think we’re so different from you?

Je dis pomme de terre and you say potato
Je dis tomate and you say tomato
Je dis bonjour and you say good day
We would like to meet you, so this is what we say…

Bonjour monsieur
Bonjour madame
Bonjour mademoiselle
Et bonjour les fans

Jean-Michel Jarre, MC Solaar
Manet, Monet, Matisse, Renoir,
Brigitte Bardot, Marcel Marceau,
Rousseau, Truffaut, Jacques Cousteau
Christian Dior, Yves Saint Laurent
Simone de Beauvoir, Yves Montand
Camus, Pompidou, Dantin, Dutronc
Gainsbourg, Hallyday, Depardieu, Besson
Descartes, Jean-Paul Sartre, Napoléon Bonaparte
Jeanne d’Arc, Balzac, Cyrano de Bergerac
Goddard, Dumas, Chopin, Charlemagne
Robespierre, Molière, Zinedine Zidane

So think about what you’ve heard and seen
We’re not just French, we’re human beings
Hello, bonjour, welcome, bienvenue.
Comment allez-vous? How do you do?
I hope by now you know who we are
Priorité à Gauche – super-euro-stars!

Bonjour monsieur
Bonjour madame
Bonjour mademoiselle
Et bonjour les fans

Bonjour

LE SAVOIR FAYRE

The Cock and Bull, the Ball and Chain
English pubs are all the same
But here’s a new one and it’s got a special name

There’s jellied frogs, Snail and kidney pie
Horse in a basket, Coronation tripe
You won’t go hungry
At the Savoir Fayre tonight
It’s a tasty bite

Lager with absinthe, Pernod and lime
Not a yard of ale but a metre of wine
We don’t have a knees up, we do the can-can
We play French darts – cent quatre-vingts
You can drink as much wine as you want
Noone will call you a poncey…
Can’t you see it’s the greatest bar
Venez au Savoir Fayre ce soir
Allez! Come on
We’ll have some fun

Des croques monsieurs avec du spam
Pickled garlic with your Ploughman’s
If you like haute cuisine then you will be a fan

Above all else, we’ll never let
British pub etiquette
Get in the way of our little fête
On this our ways are set

Une petite bière s’il vous plaît barman
You can drink a half and still be a man
No ashtrays the size of plates
You don’t have to call everybody mate
‘L’heure messieurs s’il vous plaît’
Is something that we’ll never say
You’ll have to rely on your own willpower
‘Cause we’ve got continental opening hours
Our relations with the council have gone sour

A onze heures en Angleterre
Pubs are closing everywhere
But it’s never last orders au Savoir Fayre
Why don’t you give it a try?
It’s never last orders au Savoir Fayre
That’s fayre with a ‘y’
It’s never last orders au Savoir Fayre

LEÇON D’AMOUR

Lesson one starts when your eyes meet
You have to play it cool you have to be discreet
He poupée, j’ai une grosse saucisse!
…is not going to help you get between the sheets

Time to make your move, this is lesson two
Subtly work your way around the room
Introduce yourself tell her who you are
Didier de France je suis un superstar

Lesson three – find a seat and keep calm
Pretend to do a yawn and stretch out your arms
Move a little closer and try to hold her hand
Make it clear to her you want to be her man

Silence et écoutez
Sortez vos cahiers
Et apprenez
Leçon d’amour

Maintenant c’est l’heure
Nous sommes les professeurs
De cette classe
Leçon d’amour

C’est pas la géographie
Ni la biologie
C’est autre chose
Leçon d’amour

Lesson four you need to get near
Whisper sweet little nothings in her ear
Pss psss chéri, j’ai le savoir faire
Gently run your fingers through her hair

It’s now or never – slowly lick your lips
Warm up your hands and try to grope her…

Silence et écoutez
Sortez vos cahiers
Et apprenez
Leçon d’amour

Maintenant c’est l’heure
Nous sommes les professeurs
De cette classe
Leçon d’amour

C’est pas la géographie
Ni la biologie
C’est autre chose
Leçon d’amour

If you’re a girl lesson five is for you
If you want to get a boy I’ll show you what to do
See the guy you like and give a cheeky wink
Casually walk over and drop a subtle hint

Look a little closer – he’s a dishy catch
Pretend to trip over and end up on his lap
Try to undo his sexy tight pants…

Silence et écoutez
Sortez vos cahiers
Et apprenez
Leçon d’amour

Maintenant c’est l’heure
Nous sommes les professeurs
De cette classe
Leçon d’amour

C’est pas la géographie
Ni la biologie
C’est autre chose
Leçon d’amour

If you’re getting old
Or even if you’re bald
We’ll help you find love
Leçon d’Amour

If you’re an ugly ducky
But you’re feeling lucky
Just take our course
Leçon d’Amour

LA JOURNÉE À LONDRES

On se lance de France avec l’énergie en abondance
Envers l’Angleterre c’est quand l’enfer commence
Tout abord le car
Tout de suite on se bagarre
Gris sur le ferry et on vomit dans tous les sens
Et à Douvres la douane nous ouvre les bagages et on nous confisque
Des pétards et des magazines pornographiques

On se pointe sur Londres embête tout le monde toute la journée
A cause de nos sacs à dos multicolorés
Tout le monde va acheter
Un chapeau policier
Deux heures dans le McDonalds et il est temps de rentrer
Et en France, on se vante de notre expérience en Angleterre
On a appris des phrases grossières, on nous a chié dessus àTrafalgar Square

Doo doooo dooo doo
Doo doooo dooo doo

JOHN

I am just a star
I’m a hero to my fans
But this one has gone too far
He’s a warped obsessive man
We haven’t even met
He’s like a faceless demon out there
He’s got hold of my address
He’s sending letters and I’m scared

Salut Jean-François. Je m’appelle John
Je suis anglais et j’ai seize ans
J’habite dans une grande maison
J’ai un chat et un chien et un petit poisson
J‘habite dans le sud de l’Angleterre
Avec mes parents, une soeur et un frère
Est-ce que tu aimes la musique pop?
Ecris-moi une petite note.

Why has he chosen me?
I may be famous, that I know
But he can just buy our CD
For sale in the foyer after every show
Is this the price of fame?
Anxious sleepless nights
I barely know his his name?
Or even what he looks like.

J’ai les yeux bleus et les cheveux bruns
Je mesure un mètre quatre-vingts
J’aime l’école - mes matières préférées
Sont la géographie, et le français
Je vais a Blackpool chaque année
Pendant les vacances d’été
Est-ce qu’il fait beau chez toi?
Ici il pleut et il fait froid

It sounded like a threat
I was frightened for my life
How more blatant can you get?
It was time for me to reply
I politely wrote hello
And sent a signed photo
I thought that would be the end
But he had one more letter to send

Jean Francois – I’m writing in English today
The lawyers say it’s better that way
I have to make this totally clear
You’re not to come within a mile of here
I thought you were my French exchange
You’re not and the police say you might be insane
Why did you send me that photo – that was bad
It’s currently at the forensics lab
Go and get some help – you’ve nothing to lose
You sound deluded and very confused
I didn’t understand all the stuff you wrote
What exactly is Priorité à Gauche?

L’HEURE

Je me réveille à neuf heures du matin
Je me lève parce que j’ai faim
A neuf heures dix je mange le petit déjeuner
Des croissants et du café au lait

Je vais au toilettes à neuf heures et demie
Je fais caca et je fais pipi
A dix heures et demie mon bain est prêt
A onze heures je me lave dans le bidet

Je quitte la maison à midi et quart
Il fait beau je marche dans le parc
Que faire pendant une si belle journée?
Je vais boire dans un bar pour m’intoxiquer

A trois heures dix j’ai la double vision
Je vois une prostituée avec des gros melons
A quatre heures et quart je traverse la salle
Je paye cent francs pour du plaisir oral

A cinq heures – on commence la pénétration
A six heures on baise dans toutes les positions
A sept heures le missionnaire, à huit heures dans le bain
A neuf heures on fait l’amour comme des chiens

Il est dix heures, et je suis fatigué
Donc a dix heures et demi je vais me coucher
A onze heures cinq j’aime me masturber
Demain sera une autre journée
Bonne nuit

LA BOUFFE

On vient gouter la bouffe en Angleterre
We thought we’d taste the food while we’re over here
J’ai bu du café noir j’ai mangé une saucisse
On dirait du caca et on dirait de la pisse
I have eaten a sausage and drank some coffee
They tasted a little bit unusual.
Quant a la cuisine, on a le savoir faire
Who has better food – why don’t we compare

Champagne, foie de gras, patisserie
Fish and chips, baked beans, brown sauce, tea
Gâteaux, croissants, demi sec
Wimpy, Happy Eater, Little Chef
Manges-tout, petit pois, haricots verts
Have you ever been to a Harvester?
Camembert, gruyère, boursin, brie
In England kids will do anything for Dairylea

D’où je viens, tout est bon
Pains au chocolat et saucisson
Where I come from everything is nice
Veal’s head, ram’s balls, pig’s head, tripe.
D’où je viens, nous mangeons bien
Fromage, paté, baguette, vin
Where I come from we eat well
Frog’s legs garlic horsemeat snails

Champagne, foie de gras, patisserie
Fish and chips, baked beans, brown sauce, tea
Gateaux, croissants, demi sec
Wimpey, Happy Eater, Little Chef
Manges-tout, petit pois, haricots verts
Have you ever been to a Harvester?
Camembert, gruyère, boursin, brie
In England kids will do anything for Dairylea
He doesn’t like the food here, he doesn’t like your -Boeuf
He has an egg for breakfast ‘cause one egg is -Un oeuf

J’AI DES ANIMAUX DOMESTIQUES (À LA MAISON)

J’ai des animaux domestiques à la maison

Un chat, un chien, une vache et un mouton
Un canard, un cheval, et un cochon
Le son des animaux
C’est beau, c’est beau

J’ai des animaux domestiques à la maison

Un oiseau, une grenouille, un lapin et un serpent
Un loup, un poisson, un éléphant
Le son des animaux
C’est beau, c’est beau

J’ai des animaux domestiques à la maison

LIBERTÉ, EGALITÉ, FRATERNITÉ. (PRIORITÉ À GAUCHE DANS LA MAISON)

Liberté
Egalité
Fraternité
Priorité à Gauche dans la maison

Liberté – regardez
The Eiffel Tower and the Champs Elysées
Egalité – respirez
The smell of Gauloises and strong café
Fraternité– l’amitié
We play boules with our friends all day
J’aime la France et j’aime Paris
It’s the home of Didi and me

Liberté – visitez
We want you to come and stay
Egalité – allez!
We’ll have a great time – what do you say?
Fraternité– mes amis anglais
Cross the channel for a day
Par le tunnel sous la manche
Come and visit us France

Liberté
Egalité
Fraternité
Priorité à Gauche dans la maison

CHOP! LA GUILLOTINE

Le monde est une grande planète
Nous tournons tout le temps
But while the world keeps spinning
There’s anger in the slums

In France the tide is turning
The time for change has come
We go around in circles
But now something must be done

Tournez, que la Révolution commence
Shoulder to shoulder we will liberate the whole of France

Marchons pour notre vie
We play the wheel of fortune with our lives
Non la monarchie
Let’s go to the king and teach him a thing or two
With sticks and knives

Je suis pauvre et je n’ai pas de classe
He’s a pleb and he’s short of cash
Je suis le roi et je suis tres gros
He’s a fat king he lives in a château
Eat cake
Mangez du gâteau

Tap tap tap que les portes s’ouvrent
We want to get into le Palais du Louvres
Pan pan - Mind the paintings – aille crac
Où sont tous les aristocrates?
Aristocrates

Tous les garçons, toutes les filles
Let’s all go and storm the Bastille
I hope you haven’t got much else on
Car c’est le jour de la Révolution

Let’s get the toffs – tranchez leurs tête
Où est la Reine Marie Antoinette?
You won’t look so pretty – t’auras mauvaise mine
When I chop off your head avec la guillotine
Chop, la guillotine

Tous les garçons, toutes les filles
Let’s all go and storm the Bastille
I hope you haven’t got much else on
Car c’est le jour de la revolution
Mangez du gâteau
Chop la guillotine

La France est une république.
Victoire pour le peuple

TRICOLORE 2001 (SUPER HYPER MAXI COOL)

Comment tu t’appelles? Je m’appelle Didi.
J’aime la musique pop et j’habite à Paris
Où est la poste? Où est le cinéma?
Prenez la gauche et après c’est tout droit
J’aime l’Orangina, et le panaché
Ecoutez et répétez.

Comment tu t’appelles? Je m’appelle Didi.
J’aime la musique pop et j’habite à Paris
J’ai une soeur et j’ai un frère.
Je voudrais un timbre pour l’Angleterre.
Donnez-moi un kilo de pommes
J’aime la musique pop et j’aime téléphone.

J’ai, tu as, il a, nous avons
Priorité à Gauche dans la maison
Est-ce que je peux vous présenter
Mon copain qui est bien habillé
Chaussures, chaussettes, pantalon, veste
Chemise, blouson, slip et lunettes

Comment tu t’appelles? Je m’appelle Didi.
J’aime la musique pop et j’habite à Paris
Avez-vous une chambre pour la nuit?
Avec une douche et avec deux lits?
Je voudrais le petit déjeuner
Des croque monsieurs et du café au lait!

Je suis, tu es, il est, nous sommes, vous êtes
J’aime danser à la discothèque
Où j’habite j’ai une salle de bains
Cuisine, toilettes et un grand jardin
Qu’est-ce qu’il y a dans mon salon?
Priorité à Gauche dans la maison!

Pour aller à la gare s’il vous plaît?
J’aime la musique pop.
Pour aller à la gare s’il vous plaît?
J’aime la musique pop.
Pour aller a la gare s’il vous plaît?
J’aime la musique pop.

TOUR DE FORCE (2003)

JE NE SAIS QUOI

Hello you, c’est nous
Remember us? Here’s a clue:
Nous sommes Priorité à Gauche
Bien sur - we are French of course
And let us tell you boys and girls
What the French have brought this world

You can eat in a café, or a restaurant
Un hors d’oeuvre et la pièce de resistance
Wipe your mouth with a serviette
Before you chat in a tête à tête

About how the French have come this far
There’s a soupçon of a coup d’état
But we mean no harm – au contraire
Our je ne sais quoi is yours to share

Every day your raison d’être
Is touched somehow, somewhere by something French
Remember before you start to get blasé
That you should be grateful to nous les français

So make your way to a soirée
Wearing lingerie and a negligée
Get the French horn on a chaise longue
Thanks to the French you can kiss with tongues

Bring French letters – pourquoi pas?
You might end up in a ménage à trois….
Your joie de vivre and all you do
Is France’s little gift to you

Every day your raison d’être
Is touched somehow, somewhere by something French
Remember before you start to get blasé
That you should be grateful to nous les français

And the greatest thing to come out of France
You’re lucky that you’ve got the chance
To share our songs, ideas and thoughts
We are Priorité à Gauche

QUATRE MOTS

The first word ‘gem’ represents
Our rare and priceless intellect
We are small yet valued in this world
Like diamonds, emeralds, rubies, pearls

I like to make love every day
Faire l’amour – how you say?
Remember to keep it clean Didier
Bon, okay, the word is lay

We like to challenge and confront
We’re vivacious, lively, arrogant
What Didier means is confident
So what do we have? The word is front

France is famous throughout the world
For it’s use of language and fancy words
And because we’re French me and Didier
Always have a lot to…um...er...say!

These four words – ces quatre mots
Are all you’ll ever need to know
To understand what makes us proud
Chantez tout le monde – just sing it loud!

Gem Lay Front Say
Gem Lay Front Say

J’aime les français!

TRICOLORE BLUES

I woke up this morning
In the U of SA
I would like some coffee
If that is OK
Oh are you serving breakfast
Or is it too late?
I would like my eggs sunny side up
Thank you and have a nice day

I woke up this morning
With an aching head
I got an empty bottle of Cabernet Sauvignon
Rolling under my bed
Oh it ain’t easy being a Frenchmen
From a nation that everybody hates
I got the tricolore red white and blues
Cos I’m down and out in the United States

Oh I try to fit in
With the folks around here
I went to a baseball game
And even drank some root beer
I tried to hang out in the shopping mall
But I just don’t know what it takes
I got the tricolore red white and blues
Cos I’m down and out in the United States

DON’T TAKE IT OUT ON THE CHEESE

You used to love our sauce béarnaise
Our mustard and our mayonnaise
But now something’s made you sore
We’re not the friends we were before
And you won’t eat our fries anymore

You - with your legendary flair
For international affairs
When world peace was at stake
The only course of action you could take
Was to veto French food from your plates

Oh why won’t you even drink our wine
Oh please don’t take it out on the cheese

Cos we the French are worried this may end in catastrophe
All the pain and suffering and hungry mouths to feed
What you gonna do without French toast every day?
Someone please send humanitarian aid

It may be war but you’ve so much more to loose
If you ban our food and booze
Don’t come to us and complain
That you can’t raise a glass of champagne
To your dubious war campaign

Oh why won’t you even drink our wine
Oh please don’t take it out on the cheese

MICKEY MOUSEY MOUSE

Je suis Mickey Souris Souris
He’s Mickey Mousey Mouse
Souris dans la maison
The mouse is in da house
Souris
Smile – cos the mouse is in da house

Pas de fromage
Mickey don’t eat cheese
Je suis cool
He smoke the ganga weed
Souris
Smile – cos the mouse is in da house

Mickey in his four by four
Cruisin’ for a babe
He picks up Minnie Mouse
And he takes her to a rave
He wants to get jiggy
So he’s pumpin’ up the groove
Watch the baddest rodent
Showin’ off his dance moves

Mot – The word is Mickey on the street
D’Heure – it’s time for everyone to meet
Faux – not the fake mouse everybody knows
Coeur – in his heart he’s into crack and hoes

Mot – the word
D’heure – the time
Faux – he’s real
Coeur – listen to the rhyme

Mot d’heure faux coeur
Mot d’heure faux coeur

Je suis Mickey Souris Souris
He’s Mickey Mousey Mouse
Souris dans la maison
The mouse is in da house
In da house

THE FRENCH COWBOY

I’m the only French cowboy round today
I wear my old Stetson-shaped beret
The other cowboys go out shootin’ injuns for fun
But I just can’t help feeling that it’s wrong

They say: “Them injuns got some spears and tomahawks
And all them bows and arrows” but I said “Well, are you sure?”

They said: “Whenever there’s some fighting you never make a move
You’re always interfering telling us what to do
It’s about time you stopped stepping on our shoes
So get off
Get off our shoes get off
You French were always cowardly
You frighten too easily
Boo boo boo
Get off”

After the fight the cowboys came back to the ranch
They said: “Them crazy injuns didn’t stand a chance
It’s true that over half of our posse is dead
We accidentally shot them instead

Now all their lovely moonshine’s ours and that’s for sure”
I said “But did you find all those weapons you were looking for?”

They said “This is the greatest of all victories
We shot all them Indians and now they are free
And all this time you’ve been on our backs so now maybe
You’ll get off
Get off our backs get off
You frighten too easily
You French were always cowardly
Boo boo boo
Get off”

PRIORITÉ’S CHURCH OF FRANCE

Brothers and Sisters – freres et soeurs
Welcome to our Gallic world
Priorité à Gauche et notre musique
Has kissed you firmly on both cheeks
Now it’s time to take the leap
To the holy land and new beliefs
We’re going to give you all the chance
To convert to Priorité’s Church of France

We’ll forgive you if you’ve sinned
And thrown French culture in the bin
If you can’t place France on a map
We need to put you back on track
And you will never once look back
If you think you’re the big fish in the pond
That you’re the boss as you swim along
Well, you’re just tadpoles, and now you must
Turn into frogs and be like us

The lesson for today is Gallic flair
Let your gestures come across
You must learn to swagger with an arrogant air
For instance if you’re at a loss
Take pride in that which you don’t know
And show confusion from head to toe
Or when you’re impressed try if you can
To puff your cheeks and flap your hand

Look at Didier and reach to him
Feel the Frenchness flowing in
Touch any part of him you can
His arms, his legs, his sweaty hands
And if you listen hard you’ll understand
That inside everyone there’s the shout
Of a little French person trying to get out
Can you hear him? Oui! Can you hear her? Oui!
Let’s bring them out for all to see!

Comment tu t’appelles? What’s your name?
John? Peter? That’s got to change
From now on you will be Jean-Pierre
And you Madame are Marie-Claire

Delphine, Amélie, Dominique, Odette
Lucienne, Henriette, Emmanuelle, Colette
Thierry, Henry, Jacques, Luc, Claude, Jean
Jean- Jacques, Jean-Luc, Jean-Claude, Laurent

If you want to see the light
At the end of our channel tunnel tonight
You’re almost there, we’re proud of you
But there’s one last thing you have to do
For your conversion to go through
Everyone get on your knees
For what you are about to receive
Give thanks to La France almighty
It’s time to taste the wine and cheese

Our forefathers who art in France
Give these people another chance
They’ll promise to be better women and men
So give them this day their daily French

UNPLUGGED (2004)

AMBASSADORS OF POP

Roll out the red carpet of your soul
Send you chauffeur driven spiritual limo

Because we come from France as self-appointed representatives
Bringing you the Eiffel Tower power of our music

We are Priorite a Gauche
Ambassadors of pop
Priorite a Gauche

Welcome to our embassy – it’s close and personelle
Stripped of all the red tape we play au naturelle
So get back - don’t get too near
Cos our naked music is going to come into your ears

We’re going to come into your ears
We’re going to come into your ears

So suck our diplomatic teat
Drink the milk of our music
Feel the rhythm of our ceremonial band
Can you dance? Oh yes you can-can

We are Priorite a Gauche
Ambassadors of pop
Priorite a Gauche

SILENT LIPS

A battered old top hat and a pair of ballet shoes
A white made-up face and enigmatic moves
A painted teardrop brushed upon your cheek
You say so much and yet you will not speak

Marcel Marceau
You are the world’s most tragic hero
We’ve never heard
You ever utter a single word

You look so sad and so confused
When you’re trapped inside a big glass room
You never think to yell and shout
For someone to come and help you out

Oh why won’t you try
To talk – is there something you’re trying to hide?
Do you stutter or have you got a lisp?
What is the secret behind your silent lips?

Marcel Marceau
There’s a reason why you never work on radio
You never answer the phone
You’ve been acting kind of quiet and it’s starting to show

Is it tough being mute in a world of din
Like battling against an imaginary wind?
Or struggling to move a weightless balloon
Is it really so hard for you to do?

Oh why won’t you try
To talk – is there something you’re trying to hide?
Is it a squeaky voice or really bad breath?
What is the reason for your speechlessness?

Marcel Marceau
Monsieur Marcel Marceau

Imagine the joys of using your voice
You’re missing out on a world of noise
Don’t you ever want to burst into song
Or cheer your favourite football team along
Go to a karaoke bar
Or shout out swearwords from a moving car

Why are those lips always zipped up?
What are you not telling us?

You are a mystery
Oh silent tragic clown
Like the invisible steps
You pretend to walk down
We have never heard your voice
Nor the sound of your accent
So how can we know for sure
That you are really French?

Oh no
Marcel Marceau
You never say hello

BONAPARTE

Not tonight Josephine
I’ve just had the bedsheets cleaned
And I’ve got a headache I swear
Must be that stupid hat I wear
I’m flat out from head to toe
Wars don’t win themselves, you know
I’ve shot cannon balls all day
I couldn’t shoot my wad again

So my sweet
If you want to satisfy your needs
You’ll have to…

Bonaparte
You’ll have to
Bonaparte
You’ll have to
Bonaparte
From me

If it’s any consolation
I’ve conquered most of Europe
I have vanquished many nations
But I just can’t
No I just can’t
OK! I just can’t get it up

Josephine
You’ll have to buy a sex machine
Because you

Bonaparte
You have to
Bonaparte
You have to
Bonaparte
From me

Bonaparte

FROGMAN

I want to be your frogman
Sailing around in a boat
I will bury my anchor in your sea-bed
Somewhere wet and remote

I’ll be your deep sea diver
Your personal Jacques Cousteau
Swimming like a cheeky eel,
In your seaweed down below

You are my enchanted sea
Big and wobbly full of mystery
I will plunge into the watery gloom
Feel my way around your lagoon
Then I will fire my harpoon

I want to be your frogman
I’m going to dangle my bait
You can swallow up my salty water
As I dive into your frothy waves

I’m like an octopus you better beware
My tentacles get everywhere
Probing like little fishy hands
In the depths of your ocean
Stroking your starfish and your clam

I want to dress up in rubber
Strap my equipment on
Why don’t you play with my snorkel?
Or my sausage-shaped aqualung

You are my enchanted sea
Big and wobbly full of mystery
I will plunge into the watery gloom
And feel my way around your lagoon
Then I will fire my harpoon

I want to be your
Can I be your
Oh let me be your
Frogman

THE WOMAN FROM BRUSSELS

The woman from Brussels
Had big hairy mussels
And chips on a plate
For lunch one day

As she gulped her strong
Belgian beer in the sun
He caught her eye
And knew she was the one

No-one said what they were thinking
That she smoked cigars and had hair like Tintin
The two young lovers didn’t seem that suited
He had slip-on shoes and she had lace-up booties

Ah! He just could not resist her
Even though he knew she was a Belgian weightlifter

He loved the feeling
Of the powdered chalk
As he held her hand
When they went for a walk

He would feed her
Belgian chocs
As she had to keep
Her glucose levels up

Love overwhelmed him, he couldn’t stop it
A girlfriend from Belgium - it seemed so exotic
He’d eat his Brussel sprouts with relish
And spit at everyone as he tried to learn Flemish

Ah! He just could not resist her
Even though he knew she was a Belgian weightlifter

You didn’t need
To be Hercule Poirot
To see that the cracks
Were starting to show

They had to go
Their separate ways
Her physical demands
Left him in a daze

All he wanted was a little kiss
But she would wind him with her snatch and lift
She was like Jean-Claude van Demme
As she crushed his dumbbells in her hand

Ah! She was strong and he just could not resist her
Cos he was just a waiter and she was a Belgian weightlifter

Now the woman from Brussels
Has gone and the fuss’ll
Die down now we’re sure
She won’t be round anymore

She got herself
In a right old mess
At a tournament
She failed a urine test

And now he’s kicked those Brussels blues
He’s been knocked out flat in love by a shot putter from Bruges
And she is huge

PETIT LUXEMBOURG

Ah! Petit Luxembourg!
Why are you so small?
Ah! Petit Luxembourg!
You hardly exist at all
Petit Luxembourg

A BOY NAMED JEAN-MARIE

Oh Monsieur Le Pen
We would like to throw you in the Seine
Although this would be our wish
It wouldn’t be fair on the fish
You’re Hitler without the moustache
To us you are Le Pen in the ass
Le Pen in the ass
You are Le Pen in the ass

Your first name is Jean-Marie
Which sounds a bit feminine to me

Are taking your revenge on the world
Cos your parents named you after a girl?
If you had your way you would cause
An interracial war
Jihad!

So listen up, if we don’t act fast
We’ll end up with Le Pen in the ass
Le Pen in the ass
He’s Le Pen in the ass
Ass

© Arnold Widdowson 2004 Return to top

GRANDS FROMAGES

Mr Blair - Prime Minister
You are a camembert
On the outside you seem smooth and tough
But inside you are weak and soft

You don’t fool me Mr Blair
You are like a souffle - full of hot air
I can see behind your mascapone
You’re no gouda, Mr Tony

Blair! You are a camembert
But you’re trying to be more populaire
Like gruyere which is much nicer
But not you Blair, because you Blair - you are a camembert

Hear our very own homage
To the so-called grands fromages
They all wanna be the big cheese
Make our whole world smell of feet

George Bush you are rich and strong
Just like an old stilton
You got horrible taste and the way you think
And speak and fight - man it really stinks

You’re a stilton, yeah and you can’t hide
That you’re crumbling, mouldy and rotten inside
And you spread the stench like cheesy socks
To the rest of the world whether they like it or not

You’re a stilton
George W Bush is a stilton!
Just like his father – who was also called George Bush
But without the ‘w’ – but Bill Clinton
Bill Clinton is not a stilton

Hear our very own homage
To the so-called grands fromages
They all wanna be the big cheese
Make our whole world smell of feet

Cheddar Blair from the UK
Monterey Bush from the USA
You mix ‘em up and whaddaya get?
The world’s most evil fondue set